No Moon: Sorry Jacob I ate it
by mayonaka-leo
Summary: When Edward left, he turned to the Volturi, but who did Bella turn to? "I want seven deluxe extra large meat feasts. Oh, and leave the Anchovies out. They give me gas." Pretty weird, isn't it? Read and find out. Some JacobxBella here.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

My name is Isabella Swan but to my friends, I'm Bella. Just Bella. And to my darling Edward (he's my sparkly vampire perfect Greek God [AN: no personality, Mary Sue etc.] boyfriend) I'm 'Bella love'. I have glossy brown hair that tumbles down the elegant arc of my back like a waterfall to my waist. My eyes are chocolate brown and Edward's eyes are golden, sunset, creamy, hard coins that penetrate my icy soul, but sometimes his eyes are the colour of the tarmac on the road or Jacob's hair, and that means he wants to eat me!1! Or at least he _did_ want to eat me, for now he's left me! My darling Edward's left me.

November

December

January

February

March

April

May 4th

I am very sad now that my Edward has left me. I've sunk into a deep state of depression that I fear no one can lift me out of apart from Edward, with his strong, muscled arms that sparkle in the sunlight like a beautiful mermaid. I had taken to slitting my wrists in order to ease the pain that was the punctured hole in my heart. (I also took the liberty of sitting in the emo corner every day.) As well as that, I'd started eating copious amounts of chocolate and ice cream in order to comfort myself from the cold lonely nights in which I reached out for Edward and found no one.

"You want _how many pizzas_?" the delivery man asked at the other end of the phone line.

"I want seven deluxe extra large meat feasts. Oh, and leave the Anchovies out. They give me gas."

I spent the next half hour tapping my sausage-like fingers impatiently on the kitchen table, waiting eagerly for my food. When the doorbell rang, I waddled as fast as I could manage to the door, knocking a surprised Charlie to the floor in my stampede. I snatched the boxes from the delivery guy's hands, a greedy look in my beady eyes as I salivated all over his face, before turning around closing the door behind me. The fat in my arms rippled as I made the movement and I realised belatedly that I hadn't paid the guy, so I quickly waddled back to the door, clutching my salvation in my greasy paws. I yanked it open only to find that there was no one there. A tumbleweed rolled across my porch.

A small part of me questioned his sudden absence, thinking it odd that he should disappear so quickly, but the much (much) larger part of me was drawn back to the pizza as I gazed down it adoringly, cradled in my arms and rested on my ample bosom.

I shuffled back into the house and settled myself next to Charlie on the couch, who was watching a game of baseball. Charlie's eager hand reached over to try and grab a slice, but I was quick like a ninja. I slapped it away and hissed at him, with a fierce, savage look in my eyes: "Don't. Touch. My. Baby!"

He raised his hands, surrendering before turning back to the game, and I turned back to my little baby.

"You're okay aren't you, little Edward?" I crooned softly. "The big (ironic, huh?) mean man didn't touch you, did he?" I have to admit, I half-expected a reply from the limp, triangular slice of heaven, awaiting the steaming acid pot that was my belly. I stared at it dejectedly, before realising that I had not taken a single bite of the treasure that lay before me. I started panting and licking my lips in anticipation for the glorious taste of the softly melted cheese with a beautiful layer of oil on top that made it sparkle, alongside the tenderness of the meat mingled with the twang of the tomato sauce. I lifted all seven pizzas to my lips and gulped it down. Mmm. Heaven!

After my brief snack, I waddled upstairs (having to take several breaks on the way) to my room, where Edward used to sit every night. Tears sprung to my eyes as I recalled the happy days that we shared when he'd simply watch me sleep at night. I imagined the adoring, pained his expression in his eyes as he looked at me, and I became lost in his all but perfect face. –Sigh-. Those were the days.

I collapsed onto my bed, the springs groaning in protest and my rolls spilling over the sides.

All of a sudden, I heard someone knocking at my window. Who was it? Was it my darling Edward returning to me? I instantly grabbed a comb and pulled it through my tangled greasy hair, picking out bits of tomato from the ends.

I pushed open the window, and who I saw there made me scream in surprise.

Find out who it was in chapter 2!


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Sorry for the extreme delay, folks! Lack of motivation is a sickness of the heart ¬_¬

"Jacob! What in Burger King's name are you doing here?" I screamed, my podgy arms reaching out for him in an attempt to push him off the tree. Oh, what if my darling Eddie saw me fraternising with the enemy?

"I'm sorry Bella, I just couldn't bear to go a single moment without seeing your luminous [AN: heh, luminous – probably in regards to all the sweat that had accumulated on her face from climbing the stairs] spherical moon-like face!" he purred seductively, making me swoon.

"Jacob – you saucy (mmm sauce!1) beast! Get in here!"

I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him into my bedroom before straddling him, my flab suffocating his all but perfect face.

"Keep it down up there!" Charlie called, the weight of our (mostly my) bodies crashing to the floor in the heat of our hot-blooded passion. I then proceeded to roll over so that Jacob was on top of me, his body slightly flattened but his enthusiasm as big and as broad as ever.

"OH BELLA!" he squealed in his puppy-like delight, "I love how round and soft your ample bosoms are!"

"OH JACOB!" I panted looking up through lidded eyes. I threw my head back and gave him my best 'come hither' look while trying to locate my special place under all my rolls of flab. His hand reached for mine to stop me.

"Oh Bella, I'd love to," he cooed, "but not tonight." He pointed out the window, and faintly veiled by my translucent curtains was the full moon.

"Tonight's the night," he whispered. "I don't want to turn into a wolf in the middle of it and gobble you up!" But I wasn't listening to him. The full moon behind his head looked too much like a giant blob of cheese …

I licked my lips in anticipation, and, bewildered, he slowly climbed off me.

"Bella, what did I just say?" His voice pulled me back to earth.

**JPOV**

I climbed off her, shaking my head as I stared at the beautiful round creature I had fallen in love with. I tried to control the growing excitement in me, and not just from that ample bosom heaving as she stared at the moon (which she resembled uncannily).

"Bella," I purred, "I know that you're thinking about him."

She shook her head, her eyes refocusing. There was a trail of drool from her lips down the side of her face. It made my privates tingle. She got up, the room shaking as she slammed her palms onto the floor, using her elephantine legs to push her vertically (although when you're as round as she, it is sometimes difficult to tell if she is standing or lying down.)

She reached out a podgy hand and cupped my cheek. "I'm sorry Jake," she cooed, "It isn't you. It's me. No. It isn't. It is you. The thing is Jake … you just don't have that same shine, that same-_sparkle_ that my darling Eddie has."

Her words cut me like a gardening fork, slicing through the soggy, muddy soil of my heart, disturbing the potatoes, the seeds of my heart – disturbing them from their peaceful slumber in that isolated land where nothing but that gardening fork can reach you, buried so far deep in your soul that your heart can dream of only sexy pineapples dressed in candy floss bikinis, strolling hand in hand (or leaf in leaf) along the yellow brick road. "But if it's any consolation", she leaned in conspiratorially, stroking my cheek with one podgy sweaty thumb, "you make the best pancakes". My heart lifted considerably at this, _the best way to a girl's heart is through her stomach, especially my lovely Bella_. However, I was still unconvinced. Although Bella did like her food a _tad_ too much, I didn't hear the sincerity in her voice. Still, food was her oxygen, her everything. _This is my weapon_, I thought. _Now, for the execution…_

"Well," I began, looking at her from under my eyelids because apparently it's a swoon-inducing move. (It made Bella froth at the mouth.) "If you want, you can come over to my place and I can make you a batch… or twelve."

Her eyes grew large, and she grabbed me by the shoulders. "Really? NOW?" she screamed, shaking me. She started hopping around in a circle, singing a spontaneously improvised song about pancakes, but I could hardly hear the words escaping from her sweet, sweet lips for the thudding noise she produced drowned her out.

"THERE'S DUST COMING OUT THE CEILING!" I heard Charlie shout, but Bella was too wrapped up in the thought of food to notice.

_Success._

"But Jakey!" she whined when she'd calmed down a bit, "however do we get there?"

"Well, for the sake of a smooth-flowing plot, there are two motorbikes conveniently parked on the other side of the road!" I pointed towards them.

She scrambled out her window (admittedly with some difficulty, ripping the window frame away in the process), bounced once on the lawn, performed a perfect somersault (although once again, with somebody so round it is rather difficult to be sure of the value of her rotation), and landed right beside the bikes. The ground shifted slightly when she landed.

-Meanwhile in China-

Geologist 1: Sir, we've received alarming news!

Geologist 2: Well what is it man? Spit it out!

Geologist 1: An earthquake heading directly for us. The seismic waves seem to be coming from… Bella Swan's house in Forks. I knew that that girl would be the reason the world ends. Thanks Stephenie Meyer.

A frozen sparkly dildo fell off her nightstand, rolled towards me and bumped into my feet. The fact that it was ever so slightly damp sent a little shock down my manhood. Looking around shiftily, I picked it up and stuffed it in my pocket.

"Come on!" my gargantuan cuddlebear called. "I can hear my stomach rumbling."

"SO CAN I!" Charlie yelled from the front room. "AND WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING AT THIS HOUR?"

"To pancake-land I MEAN Jacob's house!" she shouted in reply.

I chose this moment to float down, soft and graceful like a feather, from the window and onto the lawn.

"Hey Charlie!" I said, waving at him through the living room window. His nose was pressed up against the glass, and steam was coming out his ears.

"IF YOU LAY SO MUCH AS A FINGER ON MY BEATIFUL LITTLE GIRL [AN: chortle] SO HELP ME I WILL BASH YOU UP LIKE CHRIS BROWN DID TO RIHANNA BECAUSE I'M A POLICE OFFICER AND I CAN GET AWAY WITH SHIT LIKE THAT."

By this point the condensation produced by all his ranting had steamed up the entire window so that he was no longer visible behind it. I took this opportunity to sprint over to my love and embrace her. I pushed my face into her ample bosom, and the sound of her salivating over the pancakes I was going to cook her was all I needed to feel safe.

**A/N: **Chapter 3 will be up very soon. Reviews are better than sparkly dildos.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Twilight and its characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

**JPOV**

I straddled the motorbike, imagining the saddle was her torso, and Bella followed suit. We were ready to leave when all of a sudden, there was a loud crash proceeded by the grating of metal.

I turned around, feeling slightly relieved due to the fact that my darling was still seated in the saddle with a wide grin plastered on her face, regardless of the fact that the saddle was no longer attached to the bike… The cogs and tyres rolled away toward the sunset, feeling the inevitable doom that would have ensued were they to stay.

Part of the bike had been completely demoli-… I mean, it was all my fault! How could I blame _her_ for the bike that was lying in remains about her?

"So," Bella said, still wearing that wild grin and clutching the handlebars, "why am I not moving yet?"

"Bella, love," I started. That was the wrong thing to say. My beautiful marshmallow's eyes lit up as she let out a delighted squeal.

"Eddie!" she cried, her head turning as far as her (rather short) neck would allow, her hair whipping back and forth. Oh yes, how could I have forgotten? That was what _he_ called her.

"Eddieeeee! Oh Eddieeee! Where are you my sexy little slut? Come out, come out wherever you are, my ickle wickle kitten!" she called out. I felt my heart sink into the pits of my stomach, for any lower and I would have already taken advantage of the magnificent creature I had grown to love.

"Bella, darling," I tried again slowly, pleadingly. "We're going to my house for pancakes remember?" She turned to me, an adorable pout on her face.

"Isn't Eddie here? I heard him call me," she mumbled forlornly. I sucked in a deep breath before replying. "No Bella; _Eddie_," I growled out "isn't here. It's just us. Going to pancake land."

"Oooh, pancakesh! Well then why are we still here? Go, go, go to pancake land!" she chanted. _Well at least she isn't thinking about him anymore… _"Jakey-poo, how am I going to get there? The rest of the bike is gone!" she cried, astonished. All I could do was gaze helplessly at her, willing myself to think of something vaguely intelligent to appease my dear, dear Bella.

Soon her tears filled her eyes and she started wailing (I could just about make out a distressed "How am I going to get to pancake land?"), flailing her arms about and rocking backwards and forwards.

On one particularly hard rock she pushed herself backwards a bit too hard, the weight of her body and gravity pulling her towards the ground and to my horror, she began to roll backwards (for when one is as round as my dear sweet angel, how could one not begin to roll?)

"JAAAKKKKEEYYYY!1!11" she screamed and I jerked into action. _If only her scream was a scream of pleasu- _no! _This is not the time_, I told myself angrily, and I kicked off, racing after her.

As the road was in fact a slope, she picked up speed at a staggeringly fast rate, rolling in such a way that one could not differentiate between her feet and her head. She was just one fast blur of colour, crushing everything that lay in her path.

I drove into the trench that lay in her wake, trying, and failing, to match her tremendous speed.

"BELLA! BELLLLAAAAA!" I called, but then I swallowed a fly. It tasted disgusting, like the smell of vampires. My attempts were in vain anyhow, for my beautiful Bella, shaped like a single perfect bosom, could not hear me, and if she could then there was no chance of her being able to stop.

My heart stopped and then picked up double pace as I saw that we were approaching a level crossing. The barrier was down. A train was coming. And Bella couldn't stop. It was bound to hit her; kill her.

"NOOOOOO!' I cried out as I crushed my foot down on the acceleration, but then I swallowed another fly so I had to close my mouth.

Bella too, realised her fate, and was also screaming out, although, and I could've been wrong, but to me it sounded like her cry was just a muffled "PANCAAAAKESSH!"

She couldn't stop and I couldn't go any faster. Bella was just metres away from the train, which had already come to the level crossing. Feet. Inches. Centimetres.

And with a big crash, she smashed through the barrier towards her fate.

I stopped and shielded my eyes, screaming out to the heavens above as the sound of the almighty smash resounded over the land. I called out, skyward. "WHY GOD? WHY DID YOU TAKE HER? SHE WASN'T READY! SHE HADN'T TASTED MY PANCAKES YET! AND I HADN'T TASTED HER-"

"Hey Jake! I think there's something stuck in my… stuck in my…"

_What was this? Was my darling Bella alive?_

I looked down towards the tracks, and there, waddling among the debris of the crash, was my beautiful Bella, as round and as healthy as ever. (Well, maybe not healthy, but you know.) She danced her little dance, trying to reach for a piece of the barrier that had become lodged between her buttocks, but her short little arms (and the flab that was in the way) prevented her from doing so.

In no time at all we were back on the road. I was riding along on my motorbike, with her by my side, rolling. Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.

**BPOV**

Jake's house was beautiful, just like a fairy princess castle! It was nestled in an enchanted forest, with an abundance of glowing fairies playing hopscotch on lily pads, and water nymphs darting across the sparkling surface of the stream.

I sighed contentedly, my breath accidentally knocking over a gnarled oak tree on the other side of the clearing.

All of a sudden, a familiar, enticing scent drifted towards me, pulling me in the direction of Jake's sturdy log cabin.

I licked my lips, drooling slightly… **[AN: Okay, slobbering. Saliva was gushing out her mouth like a waterfall.] **Swaying, I pursued the smell.

"It can't be…"

But alas, it was, and so the round, opaque globule ambled her way towards the log cabin, swaying this way and that in the magical breeze without touching the ground.

The bubble-shaped girl was floating

And on the way she was gloating

She said "Yay! Pancakesh!"

As her ample bosom shakes

The fat on her frame moulding…

… through the doorframe, and with a big _–POP!-_ she was inside.

**A/N: We would really appreciate it if you could leave a review ^o^**

**Also, check out this awesome commission our friend made for us! "Jengskry dot tumblr dot com/post/2832882430" (replace 'dot's and spaces with '.'s).**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: We don't own the Jabberwocky poem, nor do we own Twilight and its characters. However, we do own the ode to stationery. **

**Watch to see our inspiration for Bella's voice! (replace the '(dot)'s with '.'s) **http:/www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=utNx5gnHLQw

**BPOV**

I decided to draw what I thought my wedding would look like. As I did so, I admired Jacob's beautiful array of stationery and thus wrote an ode to it:

Stationery I love you  
Hchalas, our love is true  
T'was the night before Christmas  
Asleep I was,  
Thinking and dreaming about you swaddled in my stocking  
I salivated in my shleep  
Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!  
Ne'ertoforesowell!  
Eep! A brand new set of  
Rubbers and rulers and ~*kαωAii*~ Asian pens  
Yes! OH yes! I quiver in

Hanticipation  
Chhh  
Hcchhhhhh – I can't wait!

**A/N: Chapter five (which will be a 'proper' chapter) is (sort of) underway. And if you could actually tell us what you like and what we can improve on in a review, it would be much appreciated.**


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